Part I: Bubs 1 Learns to Chew Gum

Bubs 2 ready to eat

Big appetite... not picky

Poor Bubs 2. There are so many more blog posts about his older brother, Bubs 1. Isn't the youngest supposed to get all the attention? I guess that depends on any one of the plentiful extrinsic forces beyond the little guy's control. In Bubs 2's case, he has an older brother who is revealing himself to all of us slowly, but surely. Bubs 2 may not be receiving the overwhelming attention that a baby typically gets, but he does share his time well with his older brother. A sure sign of patience is already growing inside Bubs 2 as his mom and I continue to learn how Bubs 1 ticks. If we're not working on reminding Bubs 1 about respecting his little brother's "bubble space," a.k.a. personal space, then we're likely continuously encouraging Bubs 1 to "use his words," when he becomes frustrated. Bubs 2 watches his older brother interact with the therapist once a week, while hanging from my Ergo baby carrier and he puts up with accidental bumping and crashing, compliments of Bubs 1.

Bubs 2 and 1 eating lunch this week

Bubs 2 is, many times, on the unfortunate end of Bubs 1's bubble-space violations. Many toddlers are learning how to keep their hands to themselves. Bubs 1 is one of them. His mom and I are learning more about how Bubs 1 seeks to satisfy his unmet sensory needs. This can put a twist on how we parent (verb) situations when Bubs 1 is invading the bubble space of friends, brother and parents. Sensory Processing Disorder, or Sensory Integration (SPD or SI, respectively) is a condition that typically accompanies many autism diagnosis. Bubs 1's mom and I take him to a private Occupational Therapist (OT) weekly and he also sees another OT at preschool. The latter is part of his IEP. The prior is so that we can have a second opinion on ways to improve Bubs 1's behavior in the classroom, and at home. What I found interesting is how an OT differs from a physical therapist. The occupational therapist teaches individuals how to operate within their daily activities while coping with any physical deficits.

Bubs 2 realizes he's being watched

I think this occupation not only needs to understand the various medical conditions out there, but an occupational therapist also needs to understand how an individual's work culture operates, in addition to understanding the nature of the work. I found this out today, while talking with Bubs 1's OT. They can help the individual "fit in" and function effectively and comfortably. When working with Bubs 1, I'm noticing that the OT, Aaron, is basically constructing a physical pedagogy so to optimize learning opportunities with Bubs 1. Further, Aaron works with Bubs 1 on ways that the bubs can identify and solve his own sensory deficits, while in the classroom.

Today, Aaron and I discussed Bubs 1's biting issue. Bubs 1 has a tendency to bite, when either happily excited and/or when anger induced frustration sets in. We've been discussing this issue for a couple of visits now and it seems that Bubs 1 is having difficulties carrying an object with him that he is allowed to bite on. We thought that this would kill two birds with one stone. 1) It can have him satisfy his sensory need while also, 2) appropriately channel his negative actions (biting). This will allow him an outlet to satisfy his sensory need(s) rather than suppressing them by simply telling him to "not bite his friends." Bubs 1 has been told more than enough times not to bite. There's obviously something else going on inside this kid.

Bubs 2 prepares for Bubs 1's offensive

Aaron then suggested gum. I thought this was brilliant. If Bubs 1 needs to bite, then why not have the item already in his mouth and ready to go. Perhaps the continual chewing will even reduce, if not extinguish, the sensory need? So Aaron spent the hour teaching Bubs 1 how to keep the gum in his mouth, and not swallow it. It was one of the most interesting classroom lessons that I've observed (and I've observed a good amount).

There's a lot to learn about Bubs 1. Here's what I think  I know so far. I think that his sensory needs need to be addressed daily. Whether it's chewing gum, a bear hug, holding him upside down so he can twist and sway, having jump on the mini trampeline or rolling the air-filled, giant exercise ball over him, which we call a "steamroller," there seem to be many ways to help him. These "medications" can take place at any time of day. It may need to happen at multiple times a day too. Depending on how well we can help him cope with his needs will ultimately determine the impact of this disorder when he's inside the classroom. Basically, the more physical therapy he gets, the more teachable he is.

Bubs 1 helping his little bro

In the interest of keeping my readers fresh and preserving my blog posts from becoming to-bogged-down with words... I'm going to pick up this post on another day. Look for Part II: Bubs 1 Learns to Chew Gum. I'll discuss the content being delivered within the framework of the pedagogy described here.

However, before I close. I want to extend an apology to Bubs 2. He has, once again, endured the discussion/blog moving away from him and towards his brother. This was to be his blog, but it somehow took another turn. This is how I write. I hope he understands. I'm sure that he'll let me know if he doesn't... in... about... 15 to 20 years or so.

I can wait.

Past and Present

Playground where the tennis courts were

Inside the slide

 I was feeling nostalgic on the way to my brother's in Pennsylvania, so Bubs 1 and I called a childhood friend of mine and we made a "pit stop" in Highland Lakes, NJ. Not far from our route (just off Rt 84 from upstate NY), is the place where I grew up. Returning to my childhood brings both joy and pain, but I find myself continually returning.

I left Highland Lakes before I was ready. Not too long after my father left the family and eventually stopped sending money to us, my mother could no longer support the house. She told me that we couldn't stay in our home any longer. It was surreal. This place held my roots, which ran deep into its soil. Since then, I've been painfully enjoying every visit. This particular visit brought more joy, because I was sharing my history with Bubs 1. More than that, I was sharing the setting where many of my childhood memories stem - Beach 1.

After staying at my buddy Chris' house, Bubs 1 and I headed to Beach 1. As stated, this beach is an intrinsic part of my childhood. Every summer, during my elementary and middle school years, included basketball, softball, swimming and socializing. This was the place where I learned how to operate within the culture in which I was raised.

This view was unchanged

We found a playground where the old tennis courts once stood. I sent Bubs 1 up the playscape as I tried to imagine where, on the old courts, I would be standing if I were instantly transported back in time. For a split second, I wished that I could be transported back. I then turned around towards the lake. I looked for the spot where that old tree once stood. It was the only tree on the beach. It stood on the grass area. I couldn't find it among the numerous other trees planted since. The only view that didn't change was the lake. As long as I stared directly at the lake, I was back home.

There used to just be a fence here

On our visit, I stood, with coffee in hand, watching Bubs 1 play on the same grounds I stomped on at his age. It just felt right to have my little guy there enjoying a piece of my history all these years later. The only other feeling that will equal this accompanies the thought of knowing that I get to do this again with Bubs 2 (when he gets older). Moments leave, but memories stay.

I can bring both bubs here as many times as it takes for me to make peace with my past. I still have places to visit and old friends to see. On this trip, not only did we enjoy the hospitality of my good friend, Chris, but Bubs 1 and I got to hang out with more good friends - the Hibbits family.

Bubs 1 with friends from the hood

Bubs 1 and I drove through my old neighborhood and saw Mrs Hibbits outside her home. Mrs Hibbits was a good friend of my mother's. Bubs 1 never met his grandma, because she died almost 20 years before he was born. She would have spoiled the bubs - both bubs. Mrs Hibbits said the same thing. She invited Bubs 1 and me inside and we saw Mr Hibbits and soon Carol and her daughter took a ride up to visit (from the next town over). I heard a few stories about my mother that I never heard before. The combination of having Bubs 1 meet Mrs Hibbits, who lives just down the road from the house where I grew up in, was meaningful.


We'll be back for another visit soon.

Take Human Bites

 Bubs 2 just turned six month's old, and he's been smiling almost everyday. He smiles all the time. I'm beginning to believe that he knows more than he's letting on (just like his brother does).

Six months age brings access to solid food. Bubs 2 is more than ready too. He's grabbing the spoon before it's out of the Baby Bullet jar. Although he has to fine-tune his food management once inside his mouth, he knows where it goes. His brother was a good eater too. Right from the start, Bubs 1 gobbled down his first bowls of oatmeal. I hope that Bubs 2 doesn't learn to eat like his brother or me.

His older brother seems to have learned to eat like me by watching me scarf down meal after meal after meal. I eat quick. I don't come from a large family or anything like that. I just learned to eat quick from my days in 4th grade. Since I had to eat a daily, mid-morning snack as part of my diet (type 1 diabetic), I ate it in the nurse's office. I was covert about it, because it was taboo for any fourth grader to eat outside of the lunch room. Nobody ate outside the lunch room. The culture wouldn't allow it. I saw kids get into trouble for the suspicion that they were eating outside the lunchroom. Therefore if you did eat outside the lunchroom, then you were "different." So I made sure that I didn't become "different." I had a medical excuse to eat a snack, but I didn't want anybody to know that I was a diabetic. Just like any fourth grader, I didn't want to be "different."

So, every morning snack was eaten at top speed. The nurse worried that I was going to choke on my food. "Sit down. Relax!" she'd say. However, upon entering the nurse's office each day, I went directly to the closet (where I would place my snack each day on the way to homeroom, from the bus) and stood there, eating quickly. Sometimes I didn't even turn around from the closet. I just stood there eating with my back to the room. I didn't want a friend coming in to see the nurse and see me eating. Choking wasn't high up on my list of concerns.

I was successful at keeping everyone in the dark about my snacks. I became a game of covert, CIA-agent-like snacking. Could I get in and out without anyone seeing me today? What an adrenaline rush I made it into.

I was successful in keeping everybody in the dark until one day, I finished my snack and headed back to class. As soon as I walked in the classroom, my teacher asked (in front of everybody) where I was. "At the nurse," I replied. "Doing what?" he demanded. Did he just ask me that? In front of all my friends? "Eating graham crackers," I mumbled quietly. I was embarrassed. "What else?" he snapped. "and apple juice." I find it funny, in hindsight, that I told him specifically my meal (rather than just say "a snack"). He then told me to sit down. I was confused, because Mr Ruggerio never acted like that. He was even one of my favorite teachers. I thought that I must have walked into the middle of something, like an ambush. Nonetheless, I can't say if my social life suffered after that incident. I can't remember. It must have not been that bad.

Later on, like 10 years later, my mother told me about a day that she received a call from Mr Ruggerio. He had apologized, to her, for snapping at me and embarrassing me in front of class on that fateful day. My mother told me that his phone call surprised her, because I had not said a word to her about the events of that day. She said that he told her that he had had a bad morning and unfairly took it out on me. It had nothing to do with me or anything that I did.

So not only do I eat fast today, I also eat fast with a fear that someone is going to yell at me. No, that's not true. Maybe it is just a genetic thing? Maybe there are more of my family that eat fast? Since Bubs 2 is going to be flanked by his brother and me at most of his next 20 + years of meals, I'm thinking that I'll never know the answers to those questions. I always keep a close eye on Bubs 1 when he's eating. I worry about him choking - especially when he's jamming two cheese sticks into his mouth in record time.

I'll just keep feeding Bubs 2 oatmeal for the rest of his life.

Hidden Racism in Thomas the Train?

Is the guy in the center white? Hard to tell.

Bubs 1 loves Thomas. I mean, he LOVES Thomas. He knows all the trains, and even their personalities. I also enjoy Thomas. When Bubs 1 and I began communicating - conversing - Thomas was the topic. We both shared a common knowledge. It was great.

It is still great, but over the past year, I've been noticing something about the cartoons that I want to also discuss with Bubs 1... soon. Not yet, but soon.

 I recently discovered that bubs doesn't like the diesel trains. He likes all the "steamies." I can only assume that he's just following along with the cartoon's design, which is to cast the diesel trains in unfavorable light. Fair enough. However, why are most of the people, who get on and off the various trains, white? I did take a pretty cool course that focused on the criticality of children's literature and how much of the literature out there reproduces society today (and therefore perpetuates slow change). Society does change, no doubt. However, do our children grow to perceive the world just as we do now, because of the "knowledge' we're dispensing into their minds today? Does this enable the slow evolution on social issues?

Black mother w/child

So how does Thomas literature expose the distorted power relations of characters in his children's books? After examining the first three Thomas books picked up from the shelf, I counted just three non-white characters in all three books. Wow. How does this translate into racism? Obviously, it is not the violent, above-ground form of racism that the white majority waged against non-whites in our nation's history, but is it a silent form of racism? Does Thomas imply that only white people ride trains? Socioeconomically speaking, trains are expensive. Is Thomas encouraging children to forget the poverty (more a class issue, really)? However, statistics do show that although a higher number of whites live in poverty, a higher percentage of Blacks and Hispanics live in poverty. One in four, in each of the later two groups, lives in poverty, whereas 1 in 10, in the prior group, lives in poverty.

How many of us ate in a dining car?

This reminds me of discussions I have with people who remember back when racism was more visible and out in the open. They're comments center around what they remember "seeing" versus what is still occurring today, but just below the surface. They believe that race relations is getting better, because they do not see what they saw. However, when we look at the statistics (above), we clearly "see" that racism is still going on. Is Thomas the Tank Engine helping bubs 1 (and soon bubs 2) "see" racism? Good question. Maybe not visibly, but perhaps unconsciously. This may be why mainstream discourse, regarding racism, defends that it is better, because they can't "see" it. I partly agree. It's much better not to see discrimination as it happened in days past, but racism isn't gone.

Who amongst us slept in a bed car?

It's a big issue that nobody talks about. In politics, many conservatives support the position that minorities should "pull up their bootstraps like everybody else" and many liberals support the idea of providing services to help minorities get on level playing ground. However, both political sides ignore the fact that structural design leaves a disproportionate number of minority members with lesser resources than those who are more privileged.  Therefore, both end up perpetuating (enabling) a system that both serves the dominant culture and discriminates against the others. The real solution, is a radical one, and that is to change the existing infrastructure that creates this debate.

All caucasian... all 16 individuals

Thomas may be more promoting class hierarchy than the dominant culture, but as the stats show above, that could be one in the same for many. The cartoon does disproportionately represent individuals from the dominant culture  (and maybe class too) than minority populations. If we examine Sir Topham Hat's words, he perpetuates the class system by using his power to encourage his engines to be "useful." The engines depend on Sir Topam Hat's blessings in order to be happy too. They are the working class. How about those diesel trains? They're dirty and from the other side of town.

Both creators are caucasian

Let's not be one-sided. Let's look at a multicultural cartoon... say Go Diego Go. This cartoon likely appeals to those who ask, "where are the people of color in cartoons?" Diego has them. However, Diego doesn't question the dominant culture, because he operates outside the system.

I would like to see a Thomas-meets-Diego cartoon, where Diego, while riding in either Annie or Clara Belle asks (out loud), "where are the people of color on this train?" I'm not sure that Diego creators, Chris Gifferd and Valerie Walsh, would understand the benefits to write a script like this. They likely believe that they're script and cartoon is dealing with diversity properly (as probably do the networks who share in their lack of social awareness).

However, this is just what kids, like Bubs 1, need to "see" in order for the discussions to be less taboo, later on, and bring along quicker change.

More Potty Training

Keeping him occupied

 Bubs 1's training is a roller coaster ride. One moment he seems to have grasped the concept, but another moment erases all hope that he's progressing.

I imagine his preschool teachers shaking their collective head in our (his mom's and my) attempt to potty train. They, and much of the information we're reading, cling to the position that a child will let you know when they're ready. However, I believe (and his mom does too) that he is ready. He's just hesitant, but that doesn't mean he's not ready.

The Reward System

He does resist sitting down on the potty when I tell him it's time to go visit the bathroom. He will say, "No! I'm don't want to go pee or poopy. No thank you, daddy!" He's firm in his words. I like that he'll add a "no thank you..." on at the end, but nonetheless he has to go. My next step is to say, "We have to go sit on the potty bubs. If we don't go, then I'll have to take your (insert favorite train-of-the-day here) away."

Again, all the "professionals" and books that I read (a handful, really) haven't encouraged a "negative" reward program like this. I look at it as a positive program, because if the Bubs sits down on the potty, then he gets to keep his toy. It's a spin, I know. However, it's working. Don't shake your your head either. I tried all other avenues. We tried M&M candies and Reeses Pieces, but the utility of these rewards dropped dramatically after a couple days. It is almost as if he became aware of our bribe and resisted.

When I began "threatening" to take a favorite train, or car, away until he sits on the potty he replies, "No, you don't. You don't take my Mater (or Lightening McQueen or Thomas, etc.). I then reply, "Then you better sit down on the potty." Presto. He goes right to it. Walks (with purpose), if not runs, to the potty and pulls his pants/underwear down and sits. I then give him a lollipop to keep him there. We do reward him.
In fact, every time he pees, he gets a star. When he fills each page with stars (star for every pee), he gets a car or train (pictured). I hang the car on the wall in the bathroom so that he can "keep his eye on the prize." It is in direct view from his potty. He can't miss it. Here's the bonus of this system. If Bubs 1 can poop in the potty, then he gets the prize INSTANTLY!. What an incentive!

Unfortunately, he has only pooped in the potty once.

This one-poop-moment occurred when I had him sit on the potty in front of the t.v. The goal, of course, is to get him to travel to the bathroom upon feeling a poop or pee approaching. This hasn't happened yet. I still have to bring him to the bathroom, periodically, to pee. He's been "holding" it during his naps, but that's about it for the "holding it" part. There's a lot of road ahead.

Bubs 1's Reward

Going poop in the potty is a whole other game. He just flat out refuses to go on in the potty. He will, however, do this in his underwear. I've read that this is a tougher skill to teach kids and that they will beg for their diaper back in order to poop. The Bubs doesn't even follow that story. We put a diaper on him during the night time and he doesn't even take advantage of that opportunity. This boggles my mind. It is as if he is aware of our game and is protesting the entire "number 2" process (in the potty). He'll even support his demur by relieving his number 2 in his underwear.

This kid is protesting. His mom and I need to outlast his will. He does have a stubborn side and can likely take this thing the distance. I'm not sure whether to be proud of him for standing his ground or be mad at him for not listening to us. I think that I just need to respect the prior. I need more patience at these times and less during others.

I guess that part of his potty training will require me to train myself too.

Potty Training, The Sequel

Mom's "potty pops"

 Bubs 1 is in the midst of a potty-training weekend. Although we tied to train him a few months ago, the relatively recent situation of a potential ASD diagnosis had us back off. We didn't want to force him if he wasn't ready. However, it seems to his mom and me that Bubs 1 is ready. We cannot ignore the fact that he's 3 and-a-half and is as stubborn as all hell. ;)

Bubs eats a "potty pop."

His mom made him "potty pops," which are frozen, homemade smoothies. These pops are frozen in an ice cube tray. Bubs 1 is being encouraged to sit on the potty by these ice pops. We discovered that the bubs is willing to sit down for as long as the treat lasts... but we want him to sit longer. So we added a prize program. This program requires Bubs 1 to earn six stars, which will reward him with a Hot Wheels truck (HW-Recon-07). For every successful "void" he leaves in the potty (#'s 1 & 2), he earns one star. He has three stars (at the time I write this blog), which is two more than the picture (below) shows. He is very much aware that he is getting closer to receiving this truck with each new star.

However, he still won't sit long enough for a poop to arrive. His three stars are all from successful pee's. His mom and I are thinking on our feet, even though we've read up on multiple strategies, as well as planned our own strategy. All this knowledge is helpful, but we still need to make adjustments as we go.

Bubs reward program design

Every kid is different. It's not as clear cut as we had hoped for, but we do have hope. We believe he is progressing, although he does give us a struggle. For example, this morning I offered him another potty pop if he sat down on the potty. He told me that he no longer wants the potty pops. He now demands lollipops. We immediately went out and bought some Dum Dums. We believe this is a win-win situation, because he'll have to sit on the potty a good, long time to finish one lollipop. He can even choose his color. Soon after this negotiation, we accidentally discovered a weakness of his. While obviously unable to produce a lollipop upon hearing of the demand, we could only offer him another potty pop. As already stated, he refused. However, when we brought the potty pop to him - and held it in front of him - he buckled and accepted the potty pop. His mom and I took a mental note.

Additional note upon purchasing the lollipops: The blue lollipops made his tongue blue (pictured), which created more excitement for him. This process is like an experiment.

Bubs' blue tongue

I don't remember my potty training. My mother is no longer alive for me to ask. My father has no idea since he was not an active participant during that time. I wish I had asked my mother all of the "parenting questions" before she passed, but I was too young, immature and angry to think at that level. I do remember that our bathroom door was directly across from our side door (to the outside). We used our side door as our main door when entering and leaving the house. This design trained me to always close the door when using the bathroom (a lesson that I seemed to forget sometimes today).  This is my only early-bathroom memory. Actually, I do have another, but I won't share that one.

We're nearing a full 24-hours of the bubs' weekend of potty training. So far, so good. Three stars for three successful potty voids and about seven or eight wet pairs of underwear (and shorts) for those "unsuccessful" potty voids. He's withholding a #2 void, but his mom and I know that Mother Nature will deliver sometime tonight. This eagle will land and we believe it isn't too far off.

We're also understanding Bubs 1's negotiation strategy. He'll make a demand, while knowing that we'll meet his demand, i.e. the lollipops. However, his mom and I also know that he'll accept our offer if the offer is placed in front of him. The key is that this offer doesn't have to meet his demand, but just be valuable enough for him to not have the strength to deny it when physically presented. We don't believe that the bubs is aware of the fact that we are aware of this weakness of his.

This just may have tipped negotiations into our favor.

Misleading Knowledge

Last Saturday, we stepped outside to simply blow bubbles in the driveway. Then, one thing led to another, and soon Bubs 1 and I were washing cars. I should say that I was doing most of the washing. Bubs 1 was mostly playing with the hose and in a puddle. I helped him with the latter. I obliged by adding more water to it via a down stream of water, from the hose. "Yeah, good job daddy. A creek! That's a creek! Good job," said Bubs 1 as he pointed to the stream of water.

I tried to focus on the bubs' "car washing" escapades, but my mind kept replaying a response that I received from the Bubs' preschool's assistant director. A couple days prior, during a Planning and Placement Team (PPT) meeting, I asked the school administrator how Bubs 1 can get extra services added to his IEP. More specifically, I asked for a one-on-one aide work alongside Bubs 1.

As I asked this question, I quietly heard other members at the PPT table make subtle acknowledgements. "Mmmmmm" was one that I recall (translated: "good question"). It turned out to be a question that costs lots of money. Students, in special education programs, apparently cost more money than an "average" student.

"Parent advocacy," was the response I was given, from the school administrator (translated: "The school may not openly suggest all available services for your child's learning disability"). This translation may sound negative towards the school, but that is not my intention. It just means that no one knows your child better than you and the school may not see the whole child from simply two hours per day. Advocating for your child is simply telling school admin/teachers how your child operates best. I don't have a problem "speaking up," so I look forward to these meetings. In fact, I tend to go overboard when it comes to social justice (just ask my Facebook friends). I learned more special education language, i.e. PPT, SDI, IEP etc., because this terminology can become language barriers, if you don't understand the code. Code switching occurs when special education is discussed. I'm even going to advocate for the term "learning abled" instead of "learning disabled," because the latter is socially misleading and educationally inaccurate.

I trust all the teachers and social workers, when it comes to listening to them on what they think Bubs 1 needs. It's the administration team that I focus on. They are the gate keepers of the school's budget. They will, by federal mandate, grant you your services. However, if it is an expensive service and the state is cutting school budgets (which is happening in most states nowadays), there will likely be some subtle push back. This is when the hidden power becomes deceptively visible. Part of their job is to maintain a school budget while your job is to get the services for your child.

It can be a cold-war, power struggle at the table. Big, little-understood words may be used as weapons - not to hurt - but to subtly sidestep costly services.

Parent advocacy is understanding that more power (federal law) is on their side, although the negotiations for your child's IEP occur under intimidating environments, i.e. in a school conference room (their turf) with directors, social workers and a district lawyer.

I disagree when it's said that it costs more to educate a student in a special education program. What costs more is this misleading knowledge, which perpetuates the idea that these students are a burden.